


Chat Box H

by SugarsweetRomantic



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Not To Be Taken Too Seriously, chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 10:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11012001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarsweetRomantic/pseuds/SugarsweetRomantic
Summary: The board has decided to give inmates the opportunity to communicate via text. This could only go well, right?





	1. Establishing Connection

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Emily Is Away by Game_of_Thorns.

**[DEREK CHANNING CREATED: “WENTWORTH CORRECTIONAL FACILITY”]**

**[DEREK CHANNING ADDED VERA BENNETT, LINDA MILES, WILL JACKSON, JAKE STEWART, MARGOT MCCARTNEY, BRIDGET WESTFALL, JAKE STEWART, JOAN FERGUSON, LEE RADCLIFFE]**

 

Derek Channing: Good morning everyone. This chat box has been created to make communication amongst the staff a bit easier. Don't abuse it.

 

**[DEREK CHANNING HAS LEFT “WENTWORTH CORRECTIONAL FACILITY”]**

 

Margot McCartney: Is he aware that I never talk?

 

**[JAKE STEWART CHANGED NAME TO ‘THE JAKE’]**

 

The Jake: Probably not. I'm amazed he knew who to add.

Linda Miles: Why is Ferguson in here?

Vera Bennett: Wait, what?

Joan Ferguson: He must have used an old list of employees. This is amusing. What an unfortunate mistake. 

The Jake: Since when does she have a phone?

Vera Bennett: Since the board decided that it would be an easier way to communicate with inmates. They can only text on a secure server.

Joan Ferguson: I wonder how much power I have here.

 

**[JOAN FERGUSON CHANGED NAME TO ‘THE GOVERNOR’]**

 

Bridget Westfall: Oh Lord help us.

 

**[LINDA MILES PINNED MESSAGE “BRIDGET WESTFALL: OH LORD HELP US”]**

 

**[THE GOVERNOR ADDED ALLIE NOVAK, SUE JENKINS, ELIZABETH BIRDSWORTH, SONIA STEVENS, KIM CHANG, TINA MERCADO, FRANCESCA DOYLE, LUCY GAMBARO, KAREN PROCTOR]**

 

**[VERA BENNETT CHANGED NAME TO ‘THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR’]**

 

Francesca Doyle: What the fuck?

 

**[FRANCESCA DOYLE CHANGED NAME TO ‘FRANKY’]**

 

**[SUE JENKINS CHANGED NAME TO ‘BOOMER’]**

 

Bridget Westfall: For the love of Pete, shouldn't someone close this down?

The Governor: Why would we do that, Miss Westfall?

The ACTUAL Governor: Let's see how this plays out. For now. 

The Jake: You can't be serious. 

The ACTUAL Governor: And yet I am.

 

**[ELIZABETH BIRDSWORTH CHANGED NAME TO ‘LIZ’]**

 

Boomer: So how do we use this?

Sonia Stevens: You type out messages and send them, just like you just did Susan. Very well done!

Boomer: Well duh, I'm not stupid 

Linda Miles: That's debatable.

The ACTUAL Governor: MISS MILES!

The Jake: Well…

 

**[BOOMER HAS LEFT “WENTWORTH CORRECTIONAL FACILITY”]**

 

Liz: Now look what you've done! She's upset!

Bridget Westfall: This was a bad idea from the start.

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY PINNED MESSAGE: “BRIDGET WESTFALL: THIS WAS A BAD IDEA FROM THE START.”]**

 

The Jake: McCartney, will you even be contributing to the conversation? 

Margot McCartney: Nah.

The Governor: Your messaging behaviour is much like your professional behaviour, it seems.

The ACTUAL Governor: Stop harassing my staff, Ferguson. 

The Governor: They're my staff.

Linda Miles: In your fucking dreams we are

 

**[BOOMER ENTERED “WENTWORTH CORRECTIONAL FACILITY”]**

 

Boomer: I'm back bitches

The ACTUAL Governor: Could we please refrain from using foul language? 

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR ENABLED PROFANITY FILTER]**

 

Boomer: Afraid we'll call ya Vinegar **** ey?

Boomer: Vinegar ****

Boomer: ****

Boomer: What the ****?

Sonia Stevens: That's how a profanity filter works, Susan.

Boomer: My name is not Susan, it's ******* Boomer!

 

**[THE GOVERNOR DISABLED PROFANITY FILTER]**

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR ENABLED PROFANITY FILTER]**

 

**[THE GOVERNOR DISABLED PROFANITY FILTER]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: I give up.

Will Jackson: It's time for work duty, ladies.

The Jake: Want to do rounds together? 

Will Jackson: Sure.

Allie Novak: Gay.

Franky: Everything here is gay.

 

**[KAREN PROCTOR PINNED MESSAGE: “FRANKY: EVERYTHING HERE IS GAY.”]**

 

**[KAREN PROCTOR CHANGED NAME TO ‘TOP DOG’]**

 

Top Dog: Work duty calls, girls. Get your arses in motion. 

Boomer: Jeesh, fine!

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “CHAT BOX H”]**

 

**[FRANKY RENAMED CHAT: “CHAT BOX GAY”]**

 

Bridget Westfall: Franky!

 

**[FRANKY HAS LEFT “CHAT BOX GAY”]**

 

The Governor: Speaking of gay…

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL HAS LEFT “CHAT BOX GAY”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

The Governor: A day is only what you make of it, Vera.

The ACTUAL Governor: Shut up.

 

**[NOTIFICATIONS MUTED]**

  
  
  



	2. Connection Ongoing

**[NOTIFICATIONS ENABLED]**

 

Boomer: I still think I should get a try at the steam press sometime

The ACTUAL Governor: I think that would be highly irresponsible. 

The Governor: As much as I detest to say it, I feel Miss Bennett is correct here.

Boomer: I reckon I'd be able to do it

Franky: I reckon she should get a try.

Top Dog: Alright. Popular vote. All in favour of Boomer getting a shot at the steam press say aye. All who oppose say nay.

Linda Miles: What is this, fucking Parliament? 

Top Dog: Just fucking vote, would ya?

Will Jackson: Parliament is more sane than this place. 

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY PINNED MESSAGE “WILL JACKSON: PARLIAMENT IS MORE SANE THAN THIS PLACE.”]**

 

Boomer: Aye!

The Governor: No.

The ACTUAL Governor: Nay.

Franky: Aye

Liz: ...Aye?

Will Jackson: Nay

Allie Novak: Aye.

Bridget Westfall: I abstain.

Sonia Stevens: I agree with Miss Westfall in this case. This is a ridiculous notion and I abstain.

Linda Miles: Aye.

Bridget Westfall: I just don't want to be held accountable for any harm that may occur.

Lee Radcliffe: If any harm occurs, I'll be the one cleaning up the mess. Nay.

 

**[LEE RADCLIFFE CHANGED NAME TO ‘NURSE EXTRAORDINAIRE’]**

 

Tina Mercado: Oh hell no. Uh, hell nay.

Lucy Gambaro: Nay.

Kim Chang: Nay.

 

**[LUCY GAMBARO CHANGED NAME TO ‘JUICE’]**

 

The Jake: Nay.

The Jake: McCartney, are you going to vote?

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY PINNED MESSAGE: “THE JAKE: NAY.”]**

 

Top Dog: I don't know whether that's a response to Stewart’s question or to the notion, so we'll count it as an abstain. Miss Westfall, would you do the honours of counting the votes? 

Bridget Westfall: ...why do I do this? Fine.

Bridget Westfall: 5 in favour, 8 against, 3 abstained. That's a no. Sorry Boomer.

Boomer: Fuck! Not fair!

Sonia Stevens: Actually, Susan is correct. An anonymous vote would be more fair. 

The ACTUAL Governor: We're not doing this again. It already took up too much time. Now would everyone please go to lunch?

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “EVERYONE NEEDS FOOD”]**

 

Franky: ...you're fucking kidding me.

Bridget Westfall: What?

Franky: Today's menu.

The Jake: What about it?

Franky: We've had the same for lunch for the past four days. And it's shit!

Linda Miles: Not this again.

Franky: I don't see you eating it!

Linda Miles: Sit back down, Doyle.

Franky: Nah.

Linda Miles: -.-’

Bridget Westfall: Franky…

Franky: Fucking hell! Fine!

 

**[THE GOVERNOR QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “FRANKY: EVERYTHING HERE IS GAY.”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Please tell me this isn't my legacy. 

The Governor: It isn't. It's mine.

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR HAS LOCKED “EVERYONE NEEDS FOOD” FOR 60 MINUTES]**

  
The ACTUAL Governor: Lunch. Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually really fun to write! I want to thank you all for all of the lovely comments!


	3. ¡Apagando las Luces!

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “GO TO SLEEP”]**

 

**[FRANKY ENTERED “GO TO SLEEP”]**

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL ENTERED “GO TO SLEEP”]**

 

Nurse Extraordinaire: I'm too tired for this.

Allie Novak: How can you get tired from sitting on your arse and handing out cold compresses all day?

Nurse Extraordinaire: Nurses do a lot more than that.

Allie Novak: I didn't say nurses. I said you.

 

**[NURSE EXTRAORDINAIRE HAS LEFT “GO TO SLEEP”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: I can't put this phone on silent. Please let me sleep.

Juice: Me and the boys could always help you go to sleep satisfied Govna

 

**[THE GOVERNOR HAS REMOVED JUICE’S SPEAKING RIGHTS]**

 

The Jake: What did you just do?

Boomer: Yeah! What?

The Governor: Calm down. It isn't like I took out her lingua or anything. She just cannot send messages at this time.

The ACTUAL Governor: Her what?

Bridget Westfall: Her tongue.

The ACTUAL Governor: That's disgusting. But thank you.

Franky: Effective though

The ACTUAL Governor: This is not a conversation topic I would like to discuss at ten to midnight on a Friday evening.

Sonia Stevens: I think we can all agree on that, hmm?

The Jake: In case you were interested, the beer at that new bar at St Kildas sucks.

Will Jackson: Yeah.

The Governor: I think I can assure you that none of us were interested in hearing that particular piece of subjective information. 

Will Jackson: Sucks to be you then.

The ACTUAL Governor: Are you drunk?

The Jake: Defs not

Linda Miles: Defs yes.

The ACTUAL Governor: Do I need to remind you that you have a day shift tomorrow, Mister Stewart? 

The Jake: About that. I don't feel too well

The Governor: Pathetic.

The Jake: Excuse me?

The Governor: You cannot hold your alcohol. Pathetic.

The Jake: You can't hold your position as govna. Take that!

Will Jackson: Yeah!

 

**[THE GOVERNOR HAS LEFT “GO TO SLEEP”]**

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE “WILL JACKSON: PARLIAMENT IS MORE SANE THAN THIS PLACE.”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: McCartney, you're supposed to be working the night shift!

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY HAS LEFT “GO TO SLEEP”]**

 

Bridget Westfall: I'm going to sleep. Try not to virtually kill each other in the meantime. 

Franky: We can't make promises, Gidget

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL CHANGED STATUS TO AWAY]**

 

Boomer: Shampoo party in the common area!

Sonia Stevens: Susan! How did you get that?

The ACTUAL Governor: Shampoo?

Allie Novak: It's an inmate thing.

 

**[LINDA MILES PINNED MESSAGE “ALLIE NOVAK: IT'S AN INMATE THING.”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: On second thought, I probably don't want to know. Good night.

 

**[BOOMER RENAMED CHAT: “SHAMPOO PARTY”]**

 

Linda Miles: I'm not cleaning that up.

Will Jackson: We'll leave it for Stewart

The Jake: >:(

Linda Miles: That looks like a 10-year-old typed it.

Top Dog: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOULD YOU SHUT UP? SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP.

 

**[NOTIFICATIONS MUTED]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone can figure out the origin of the chapter titles, you win! I don't know what yet, but you win. Jenfurlee is not allowed to enter this competition. ;)


	4. Helden Sterben Nicht!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title chosen by TheSaxyOne.

**[NOTIFICATIONS ENABLED]**

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY ENTERED “SHAMPOO PARTY”]**

 

**[THE FREAK ENTERED “SHAMPOO PARTY”]**

 

**[SMILES RENAMED CHAT: “SUNDAY FUNDAY”]**

 

Dr. Fancy Pants: I just want to go to church in peace…

 

**[DR. FANCY PANTS HAS LEFT “SUNDAY FUNDAY”]**

 

Smiles: Hold on. What's happened to our names?

Minnie Mouse: I have a feeling Susan may have changed them last night. @SueJenkins, do you have anything to do with this?

OG Top Dog: She's buggered out. 

 

**[NAME CHANGE DENIED. SERVER RESPONSE: CHANGING OF A NAME IS POSSIBLE ONCE EVERY 24 HOURS]**

 

Smiles: You've got to be joking. 

Mr J: Well, at least the names aren't THAT bad.

Vinegar Tits: Speak for yourself, please. 

Vinegar Tits: @Everyone, would you please state your name so we know who is who?

Vinegar Tits: Governor Bennett. 

Smiles: We had an inkling that'd be you, Governor. Linda Miles.

Mr J: Will Jackson. 

Minnie Mouse: Sonia Stevens. 

OG Top Dog: Franky

Wannabe: Kaz Proctor

Blondie: It's Allie here.

The Snake: Jake…

The Snake: Really, Boomer? The Snake? 

Minnie Mouse: To be fair, she only had to change one letter to two in your case.

The Freak: Joan Ferguson. 

Lezzzzz: Kim. 

Lezzzzz: Wow.

Blondie: Did she lose all inspiration when she got to you?

_ (No, the author did. But shh, don’t break the fourth wall.) _

Blondie: Gotcha.

Slutty Nurse: Is it even necessary for me to specify who I am?

The Snake: The name isn't THAT inaccurate…

Slutty Nurse: Excuse me?!

The Freak: Don't come inside me!

 

**[SLUTTY NURSE HAS LEFT “SUNDAY FUNDAY”]**

 

Vinegar Tits: Don't tell me, please. I don't even want to know.

Minnie Mouse: In some cases, ignorance surely is bliss.

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY PINNED MESSAGE: “MINNIE MOUSE: IN SOME CASES, IGNORANCE SURELY IS BLISS.”]**

 

The Snake: Wait, why is McCartney still McCartney?

Blondie: She's probably too much of a side character for Boomer to come up with a good one.

_ (What did I say about breaking the fourth wall?!) _

Blondie: Shit, sorry!

The Snake: And who is Dr. Fancy Pants?

The Freak: Considering Jenkins’ inability to come up with cleverly thought-out noms de plume, I have an idea. @BridgetWestfall, please announce yourself.

Blondie: Noms the what now?

 

**[DR. FANCY PANTS ENTERED “SUNDAY FUNDAY”]**

 

Minnie Mouse: Pseudonyms. 

Dr. Fancy Pants: Nicknames. 

Vinegar Tits: Please read up and state your name.

Dr. Fancy Pants: Huh?

Dr. Fancy Pants: ..oh. It's Bridget.

Dr. Fancy Pants: I'm not even a doctor…

OG Top Dog: I told her that. She didn’t really give a shit

Vinegar Tits: Why didn't you stop her?

 

**[BOOMER ENTERED “SUNDAY FUNDAY”]**

 

Boomer: Because I'm a fuckin’ legend, that's why!

 

**[THE FREAK HAS REMOVED BOOMER’S MODERATING RIGHTS]**

 

Boomer: Fuck you!

 

**[THE FREAK HAS REMOVED BOOMER’S SPEAKING RIGHTS]**

 

The Freak: I would prefer to get to know you first.


	5. Огонь по готовности!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know that "Огонь" in the chapter title is technically incorrect, because it signifies a physical fire and not the imperative of the verb, but it's what Zarya says.

**[VINEGAR TITS REVERTED ALL EDITS TO SERVER OVER THE LAST 24 HOURS]**

 

**[SERVER RESPONSE: MULTIPLE NAMES CHANGED; CHAT NAME REVERTED; SPEAKING RIGHTS REVERTED]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Oh thank goodness. 

Boomer: Aw.

Kim Chang: So now what?

 

**[NURSE EXTRAORDINAIRE ENTERED “SHAMPOO PARTY”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: We use this chat the way it was meant to. 

Allie Novak: Which is what, exactly? 

The Governor: Improve and enhance communication amongsT staff, was it noT?

The Jake: Would you stop doing that?

The Governor: Doing whaT?

The Jake: ThaT

The Governor: Nah.

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY PINNED MESSAGE: “THE GOVERNOR: NAH.”]**

 

Will Jackson: McCartney, are you ever going to actually say anything? 

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “THE GOVERNOR: NAH.”]**

 

Franky: No offense Miss Bennett, but your staff is a bunch of idiots.

The ACTUAL Governor: Yes, but they're my idiots.

The Jake: Not me though.

Kaz: Especially you though.

The ACTUAL Governor: And it's Governor Bennett.

Franky: Right. Sorry an’ shit.

Linda Miles: Everyone who'd willingly work here is at least a bit fucked in the head.

Bridget Westfall: I would disagree. 

The Jake: You're the doctor. Of course you'd disagree

Bridget Westfall: I'm. Not. A. Doctor.

Bridget Westfall: I'm a forensic psychologist. 

The Jake: Close enough.

The Governor: Oh no, Mister StewarT, very far off in facT.

Bridget Westfall: Fuck off.

The Governor: Oh dear, someone should go rinse their mouth.

Bridget Westfall: This is a chat. I'm typing. If it makes you happy, I'll go wash my hands.

The Governor: Very much so, as we all know where your kind likes to put their digiTs.

Bridget Westfall: Excuse me?

Bridget Westfall: MY kind?

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “THE IMPORTANCE OF HYGIENE”]**

 

Franky: Bridget, let it go. She's not worth it.

The Jake: Not your type?

Bridget Westfall: You are all terrible. 

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL HAS LEFT “THE IMPORTANCE OF HYGIENE”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: It's time to call in the cavalry. 

The ACTUAL Governor: @DerekChanning, please do something. 

 

**[DEREK CHANNING ENTERED “THE IMPORTANCE OF HYGIENE”]**

 

Derek Channing: Huh?

Will Jackson: Sir, this chat could probably do with a moderator. 

Derek Channing: Oh, alright. I'll appoint Governor Bennett then.

Liz: That sounds fair.

Derek Channing: Let's see...she should be somewhere in this list.

Derek Channing: Ah, there we go!

 

**[DEREK CHANNING PROMOTED THE GOVERNOR TO MODERATOR]**

 

**[DEREK CHANNING HAS LEFT “THE IMPORTANCE OF HYGIENE”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: WAIT! NO! 

The Governor: I detesT repeaTing myself, buT: whaT an unfortunaTe misTake.

  
**[LINDA MILES QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “BRIDGET WESTFALL: OH LORD HELP US”]**


	6. 竜神の剣を喰らえ!

Linda Miles: So what exactly have you planned in that sociopathic mind of yours?

Bridget Westfall: Psychopathic. 

Boomer: Huh?

Bridget Westfall: There's a difference. 

The Jake: Like anyone cares about that.

Bridget Westfall: I do!

The ACTUAL Governor: It's time to fix this. @DerekChanning, get back in here.

 

**[THE GOVERNOR HAS BANNED DEREK CHANNING @DEREKCHANNING]**

 

Linda Miles: You've got to be kidding me.

Nurse Extraordinaire: Would someone care to explain why I currently have three inmates with nosebleeds in my bay?

Franky: Because their periods came in early. 

Nurse Extraordinaire: What?

Tina Mercado: They tripped.

Nurse Extraordinaire: All of them at the same time? Wow, that's a really big coincidence! 

The Jake: Let me guess. Channing hired you.

Nurse Extraordinaire: Yes. Why?

The Governor: The man uses a cerTain organ to hire nurses with, and it's noT his eyes.

The Jake: Oh for the love of God, would you stop doing that?!

The Governor: WhaT

The Jake: You know exactly whaT.

 

**[THE GOVERNOR QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “THE GOVERNOR: NAH.”]**

 

Liz: I'm sorry, but are we going to ignore the fact that Joan Ferguson now has moderating rights?

 

**[THE GOVERNOR HAS REMOVED LIZ’S SPEAKING RIGHTS]**

 

Kim Chang: Is that supposed to prove something? Weak.

 

**[THE GOVERNOR HAS REMOVED KIM CHANG’S SPEAKING RIGHTS]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Okay, okay, we get it!

The Jake: Jeesh!

Linda Miles: F*cked in the head is what she is.

Will Jackson: Truer words have never been spoken.

Boomer: Hey! Why didn't Smiles get silenced an’ shit?

The Governor: Miss Miles seems to have changed her username. 

Franky Doyle: Well then everyone quickly change them, hey!

Sonia Stevens: That sounds like the smart thing to do.

Boomer: Ha! Can't ban us now, ya cunt!

 

**[THE GOVERNOR HAS REMOVED BOOMER’S SPEAKING RIGHTS]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: What? How?!

Franky: ...she changed hers to “Boomer” didn't she

The Governor: CorrecT.

Bridget Westfall: This place is pure anarchy.

 

**[THE GOVERNOR HAS REMOVED BRIDGET WESTFALL’S SPEAKING RIGHTS]**

 

Franky: Gidget?

The Governor: GidgeT indeed.

Franky: For fuck's sake I thought you were smarter than that Gidge!

Franky: I mean Miss Westfall. 

 

**[ALLIE NOVAK QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “FRANKY: EVERYTHING HERE IS GAY.”]**

 

The Governor: Amusing. 

The Jake: So what do we do now?

The ACTUAL Governor: Pray.

The Jake: For what?!

The ACTUAL Governor: Justice. That it comes raining down from the skies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "竜神の剣を喰らえ!" (ryūjin no ken o kurae) = Taste the blade of the Dragon God!


	7. !وريهم قوتِك

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to me! I'm treating you all to a new chapter! ;)

**[WILL JACKSON ADDED MEG JACKSON]**

**[SERVER MESSAGE: MEG JACKSON PROMOTED TO MODERATOR]**

 

Franky: What the flying fuck?

The ACTUAL Governor: ...I have no idea.

The Jake: Isn't she supposed to be dead? This ain't a healthy way of coping mate

Will Jackson: Do your thing.

 

**[MEG JACKSON RENAMED CHAT ‘WENTWORTH’]**

**[MEG JACKSON HAS DEMOTED THE GOVERNOR]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: As much as I am happy to read this I am also utterly confused.

 

**[SERVER MESSAGE: SPEAKING RIGHTS REVERTED]**

 

Boomer: Can ghosts use phones?

Liz: No love.

Tina Mercado: Someone’s got a fucked-up sense of humour 

 

**[MEG JACKSON HAS UNBANNED DEREK CHANNING @DEREKCHANNING]**

**[MEG JACKSON CHANGED NAME TO ‘BRIDGET WESTFALL 2’]**

 

Bridget Westfall 2: Thank you for letting me use her old phone, Will.

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL 2 HAS LEFT ‘WENTWORTH’]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Oh thank goodness. 

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL ENTERED ‘WENTWORTH’]**

 

Bridget Westfall: I think that took care of it all.

The Governor: WhaT a shame.

The Jake: The doc fixed it! 

Bridget Westfall: …

The Jake: What?

Bridget Westfall: Not.

Bridget Westfall: A.

Bridget Westfall: Doctor.

Allie Novak: For a screw, you're really dense ya know.

The Jake: Could I interest you in the slot?

Allie Novak: Jeesh! Never mind!

The Jake: I'll let you know that I graduated top of my class.

Franky: From puppy school?

Linda Miles: Best in show.

 

**[NURSE EXTRAORDINAIRE ENTERED ‘WENTWORTH’]**

 

Nurse Extraordinaire: Has anyone seen my syringes?

The Governor: One would assume they would be in the correcT box.

Boomer: I'll put you in a fucking box

The Governor: At leasT I would actually fiT in one…

The ACTUAL Governor: Stop it! No one is putting anyone in any boxes!

Will Jackson: You're not seriously saying you lost a handful of syringes in a maximum security prison, are you?

Nurse Extraordinaire: Not a handful

Nurse Extraordinaire: Twenty-three. 

The Jake: You might want to think about removing that second word in your name 

The ACTUAL Governor: Fine. Whoever finds them and delivers all 23 of them to me unused is excused from work duty for the rest of the week.

Nurse Extraordinaire: Unused? What would anyone use them for?

The Jake: You really are even more stupid than you look.

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “MINNIE MOUSE: IN SOME CASES, IGNORANCE SURELY IS BLISS.”]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since an update, I apologise! 
> 
> !وريهم قوتِك (Wareehom Ew'wetik) = "Show them your power!"


	8. We Move Swiftly!

**[BOOMER RENAMED CHAT: “HAPPY HALLOWEEN”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: ...it’s September.

Linda Miles: Tell that to Jenkins.

The ACTUAL Governor: Huh?

Allie Novak: She’s, uh, going around and...trick-or-treating.

The Jake: Trick-or-treating?

Tina Mercado: Is that what we’re calling it now? Because to me it just felt like getting slammed into a sink.

Nurse Extraordinaire: If they keep this up, I’m going to need an assistant.

Allie Novak: You don’t need an assistant, you need work ethic. 

Liz: Boomer, I think you’ve proven your point now.

Boomer: Nah.

The ACTUAL Governor: So...what exactly is she trick-or-treating for?

Tina Mercado: She just bashed me to get my chocolate cookie.

Tina Mercado: And it’s not even actual chocolate.

Boomer: It’s not? You can have it back then.

Tina Mercado: ...keep it.

Franky: Okay, who the fuck took my lucky undies?

Bridget Westfall: Well, when did you last have them?

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “CSI: WENTWORTH”]**

 

The Jake: If we’re going to do this, we need the right theme song.

 

**[THE JAKE SHARED MEDIA: whoareyou.mp3]**

 

Franky: They went to laundry. Obviously, they didn’t come back to me. So, in conclusion, you all are stealing, lying thieves.

The Governor: That is a pleonasm.

Boomer: Can’t you ever just speak English?

The Governor: It is English. I’m sorry I don’t speak hillbilly. 

Boomer: I’m gonna bash your head in.

Franky: Undies first, head-bashing later!

Sonia Stevens: A pleonasm is when one uses more words than are necessary to convey meaning.

Boomer: Thanks, Minnie Mouse. I still don’t get it.

Franky: It doesn’t fucking matter, I just want my undies back!

The ACTUAL Governor: If they really disappeared, you can file a report with lost and found.

Will Jackson: As if we ever investigate those. 

The ACTUAL Governor: We have the process for a reason!

The Jake: There’s reports there from 1998.

The ACTUAL Governor: ...so maybe things get lost for a very long time?

Top Dog: Uh, I think I may have found them.

Top Dog: But I doubt you want them back.

Franky: Where?

Top Dog: Toilets by the yard.

Franky: ...never mind then.

Bridget Westfall: /whispr frankydoyle I’ll buy you some new ones.

Will Jackson: Uh, Bridget?

 

**[ALLIE NOVAK QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “FRANKY: EVERYTHING HERE IS GAY.”]**

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “FRANKY: EVERYTHING HERE IS GAY.”]**

 

Allie Novak: Ha! 

Will Jackson: You made an unfortunate typo in that command there.

Bridget Westfall: Huh?

The Governor: Your lovely sapphic gesture was sent to everyone. How unfortunaTe.

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL HAS LEFT “CSI: WENTWORTH”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life. 

Franky: This chat would be better off dead.

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “SCHRÖDINGER’S CHAT BOX”]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, it's been a while since I updated this!
> 
> With thanks to KryssiKakes for inspiring me to continue this. :)


	9. Here You Go!

Liz: Happy birthday, Governor Bennett!

The Jake: It’s her birthday?

The Governor: One would assume so.

The Jake: I’m spending my lunch break off grounds.

Linda Miles: You forgot.

The Jake: I did not!

Will Jackson: It was in the staff newsletter two weeks ago, mate.

Linda Miles: You’re fucked, snakey.

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL ENTERED “SCHRÖDINGER’S CHAT BOX”]**

 

The Jake: Oh fuck off Linda!

Bridget Westfall: Language!

Linda Miles: You two deserve each other.

 

**[THE JAKE HAS LEFT “SCHRÖDINGER’S CHAT BOX”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Good morning everyone.

 

**[SERVER MESSAGE: IT IS THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR (@VINEGAR)’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!]**

 

Franky: Vinegar?

The ACTUAL Governor: Oh shoot.

The ACTUAL Governor: It’s from back when everyone changed their username. I had to think of something she wouldn’t guess.

The Governor: Original, buT noT very invenTive.

Linda Miles: The Snake isn’t in here, you don’t have to do that.

The Governor: Hm.

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY VINEGAR TITS”]**

 

Bridget Westfall: Linda…

Boomer: Fucking A!

Sonia Stevens: This doesn’t seem like much of a birthday gift.

Linda Miles: Fine!

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ACID SPHERES”]**

 

Nurse Extraordinaire: How were you ever hired? Or, how did your agreement ever get renewed?

Allie Novak: We could be asking you the exact same thing.

Linda Miles: We all know how Lee got hired. She used a very specific set of skills.

The ACTUAL Governor: What the…

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE “WILL JACKSON: PARLIAMENT IS MORE SANE THAN THIS PLACE.”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: I know what I’m asking all of you for my birthday.

Boomer: What?

The ACTUAL Governor: Shut up for the entire day.

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR MUTED “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ACID SPHERES”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Oh, someone got me a gift! How lovely! The box is very pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I can't sleep.


	10. Get Ready for a Shock!

The ACTUAL Governor: Oh, this is not funny.

The Jake: What?

The ACTUAL Governor: I opened the box. 

Franky: What did he get ya?

The Governor: He didn’t get her anything.

The Jake: Yes I did!

Allie: Wanna bet he gave her a coupon for a free hug?

The Jake: That’s not it.

Linda Miles: Nope. It’s for washing her car.

 

**[LINDA MILES SHARED IMAGE: img0462.jpg]**

 

Sonia Stevens: This seems...disappointing.

Franky: Fucking hell, that’s pathetic.

The Jake: I was busy, okay?

Will Jackson: You’ve had three days off, mate.

The Jake: Hey! Bro code! Where’s the support?

Will Jackson: Sorry mate. You done messed up.

Top Dog: Someone’s got some making up to do.

The Jake: Come on, is it really that bad?

Bridget Westfall: Mister Stewart, even the women got her a card and flowers. And the staff came together to buy her a watch. We assumed you wouldn’t want in because, well, you would get her something yourself.

Franky: You’re fucked.

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “TIME TO GROVEL, SNAKEY”]**

 

Boomer: Wait. Hey, Vinegar Tits, what was in the box?

Allie: Yeah, Governor Bennett, what was in there?

The ACTUAL Governor: A tongue.

Bridget Westfall: Excuse me?

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR SHARED IMAGE: 00217.jpeg]**

 

Franky: What the hell?

The Governor: I’d say they did a wonderful job. PerfecTion, even.

Top Dog: Has anyone seen Juice, by the way?

Liz: Oh, that’s just disgusting.

The Jake: Who would do something like that?

 

**[LINDA MILES QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “BRIDGET WESTFALL: OH LORD HELP US”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Wanna guess?

Nurse Extraordinaire: Well, it isn’t me. And I’m not dealing with the aftermath.

Allie: We figured as much, Florence Nightingale.

The Governor: Oh, for the love of God. It’s marzipan!


	11. Experience Tranquility!

The ACTUAL Governor: Would anyone care to explain why it's so eerily calm?

Allie Novak: Maybe our wonderfully capable and competent medical professional could be of assistance in answering that question. 

Boomer: That's a lotta big words for a scrawny girl.

Nurse Extraordinaire: Hey!

The Governor: We're all surprised you even know how To handle a phone, leT alone Type.

 

**[BOOMER HAS LEFT “TIME TO GROVEL, SNAKEY”]**

 

Liz: You've upset the poor thing again!

The Governor: And To think I wasn’T even Talking abouT Jenkins.

The ACTUAL Governor: Do you know anything about what's going on, Nurse Radcliffe. 

Linda Miles: You won't be-Lee-ve it.

Franky: Worst pun of the day award goes to Smiles!

Linda Miles: Get your arse back to bed, Doyle.

The ACTUAL Governor: Bed? It's 2 in the afternoon!

Will Jackson: They've all got the flu.

The ACTUAL Governor: ALL of them?

Nurse Extraordinaire: It's not completely my fault!

Allie Novak: It's completely your fault.

Franky: It's completely your fault

Top Dog: It's completely your fault.

The Jake: Its completely your fault.

Bridget Westfall: *it’s

The Jake: Who cares!

The Governor: *?

The Governor: Many, many people do.

Linda Miles: No, not all of them.

The ACTUAL Governor: Who doesn't have it then?

Will Jackson: Birdsworth, Stevens, Chang and Ferguson.

The ACTUAL Governor: And how did they all get the flu? I thought you administered flu shots?

Nurse Extraordinaire: I may have filled out the paperwork and then forgotten to actually do it.

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “INCOMPETENT FRAUD EXTRAORDINAIRE”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Unbelievable. 

Franky: Where's Rose when you need her?

The ACTUAL Governor: She refuses to come back. I even offered her double pay.

Nurse Extraordinaire: And you said you didn't have the budget to give me a raise!

The Governor: Presumably because you cause the tenfold of your annual pay in collaTeral damage.

Bridget Westfall: How about we all do a relaxation exercise?

Linda Miles: How about we all just shut up and sleep until you stop being contagious? 

Bridget Westfall: Or that. That works too.


	12. Personne N'Échappe à Mon Regard

The ACTUAL Governor: I'm glad to hear everyone is feeling better. 

The Jake: Everyone except for me!

Will Jackson: And me!

Linda Miles: Would you two take your man flu and go wallow in self-pity somewhere else?

 

**[BOOMER ENTERED “INCOMPETENT FRAUD EXTRAORDINAIRE”]**

 

Boomer: Someone stole my cheezits, and we need to find out who!

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “CSI: WENTWORTH”]**

**[THE JAKE SHARED MEDIA: whoareyou.mp3]**

 

Top Dog: Not again…

Tina Mercado: We've done this schtick before.

Franky: Booms, are ya sure you didn't eat them yourself? 

Boomer: Nah!

The ACTUAL Governor: Good God...we’ll just check the CCTV or something. McCartney? 

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “THE GOVERNOR: NAH.”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Despite the informality of this chat box, I am still your employer. 

Margot McCartney: Fine!

Allie Novak: She speaks! 

Sonia Stevens: Technically, she typed.

Franky: Wait...which video feed are we checking exactly? 

The ACTUAL Governor: Check H block and the stairwell. This morning. 

 

**[FRANKY HAS LEFT: “CSI: WENTWORTH”]**

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL HAS LEFT: “CSI: WENTWORTH”]**

 

The Governor: WhaT a coincidence, don’T you agree, Miss Radcliffe?

Nurse Extraordinaire: Wow, I wonder why they left! And at the same time too!

The Jake: Every time I don't think you can get any denser…

Juice: We all know, don't we?

Allie Novak: Yeah.

Will Jackson: Yes.

The ACTUAL Governor: Yes.

Linda Miles: It's not like they're working very hard to keep it a secret.

Nurse Extraordinaire: Know what?

Allie Novak: That the vegetarian lunch option isn't actually vegetarian. It's vegan.

Nurse Extraordinaire: Oh. Okay.

The ACTUAL Governor: Is everyone here gay?

Juice: Me and the boys have some very compelling arguments, Gov’na. We'll blow your pants right off.

The Governor: Don’T make me Take ouT your Tongue again, Gambaro.

Juice: Party pooper.

 

**[JUICE HAS LEFT “CSI: WENTWORTH”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Uh.

The ACTUAL Governor: Thank you?

The Governor: Hm.

Boomer: But now I still don't know who has my cheezits! 

Liz: Check under your pillow, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personne n'échappe à mon regard = no one escapes my sight.


	13. Géill Do Mo Thoil!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by @Joanlemmesmash on Twitter.

The Jake: Hey, @JoanFerguson, everyone has collected their mail but you.

The Jake: Why is she not responding?

The Jake: Do I look like a postman to you?

Linda Miles: Well…

The Jake: Never mind.

The Jake: Don’t answer that.

The ACTUAL Governor: Ferguson, for the love of God, get your mail so he stops whining.

The Jake: I’m not whining!

Franky: Well…

The Jake: Forget it.

The ACTUAL Governor: She seems to have read our messages but she’s not answering.

Linda Miles: She’s leaving you on read.

The ACTUAL Governor: You've got to be kidding me.

Bridget Westfall: Psychologically speaking, it's an interesting phenomenon. 

Sonia Stevens: The effects of visible neglect, hm?

Bridget Westfall: Precisely. 

Boomer: And now in English?

Franky: That the Freak is fucking with us by not replying.

Boomer: Well why didn't you say so?

Sonia Stevens: That's precisely what we…

Sonia Stevens: You know what? Never mind.

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “PASSIVE CHATTING AGGRESSION”]**

 

Allie Novak: I wonder…

The Jake: What?

Allie Novak: I wonder what it will take to get her to react.

Boomer: @JoanFerguson Oi! Freak!

Tina Mercado: We could go mess up her cell.

The ACTUAL Governor: You will not!

Boomer: Party pooper.

Top Dog: We could also, I dunno, just thinking out loud here, do something useful with our time?

Franky: Ah, but where’s the fun in that?

The ACTUAL Governor: Miss Westfall, are you taking notes? 

The ACTUAL Governor: Are you observing us? 

Bridget Westfall: Possibly.

The Jake: Oi, I'm not some sort of monkey in a zoo!

Linda Miles: Well…

Will Jackson: All that's missing is a banana. 

 

**[THE JAKE HAS LEFT “PASSIVE CHATTING AGGRESSION”]**

 

Allie: Anyway, how will we make her react?

Franky: I'm short on ideas.

Linda Miles: It's easy.

Linda Miles: Watch.

  
**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT: “PASSIVE CHATING AGGRESSION”]**

The Governor: Now you've gone too far.


	14. Charge Fanfare

The ACTUAL Governor: Do I want to know why there is a toilet paper Christmas tree ‘decorating’ H1?

Franky: We got permission to do that.

The ACTUAL Governor: From whom?

Will Jackson: Not me.

Will Jackson: Although it looks pretty good.

Franky: Aw thanks

The ACTUAL Governor: Miss Miles? @LindaMiles

Linda Miles: No.

The ACTUAL Governor: Are you certain?

Linda Miles: Listen, I’m up for a lot of shit, but I’m not cleaning that up. I told them to go ask you.

Boomer: And we were gonna do that...but…

The ACTUAL Governor: But what?

Allie Novak: We ran into your lover.

~~The ACTUAL Governor: Joan?~~

 

**[SERVER MESSAGE: MESSAGE DELETED BY @VINEGAR]**

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “FRANKY: EVERYTHING HERE IS GAY.”]**

 

The Governor: Hm. Still haven’T changed thaT username, I see.

Linda Miles: Snakey isn’t in here.

The Governor: I hadn’t noticed. Very well.

Top Dog: They ran into Mister Stewart.

The ACTUAL Governor: And he gave you permission?

Boomer: Yeah!

Franky: Obviously. We always do stuff with permission around here.

Allie Novak: Absolutely.

Bridget Westfall: Well, it’s...artistic.

Sonia Stevens: One could call it festive.

The ACTUAL Governor: What have you used to decorate it with, anyway?

Allie Novak: Chocolate wrappers. Courtesy of Boomer.

Nurse Extraordinaire: And tape. Stolen from me.

The ACTUAL Governor: How lovely.

Allie Novak: It’s hardly stealing if you leave it laying around everywhere.

Boomer: Can we keep it?

Top Dog: We could do a popular vote again?

 

**[THE JAKE ENTERED “PASSIVE CHATING AGGRESSION”]**

 

**[THE GOVERNOR RENAMED CHAT “GROUP CHAT”]**

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “TIS THE SEASON”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: NO. We will not.

The ACTUAL Governor: January 1st, it gets thrown out. Immediately.

Boomer: Aw yeah!

Boomer: Do you think Santa would leave like presents underneath?

The Governor: No.


	15. I've Got You in My Sights

The ACTUAL Governor: Just when I thought it couldn't get worse than the toilet paper tree, you do this. We're barely a month into 2018, and this is how you all decide to start it off?

Linda Miles: I have the day off. What happened? 

Franky: It's for Australia Day, obviously.

Boomer: I thought it was for Valentine's? 

Liz: Boomer, sweetheart, remember what we taught you about sarcasm?

Boomer: Yeah.

Franky: …

Boomer: Oh. Okay.

The Jake: Wouldn't you like to know, hey?

The Jake: I could tell you, but it'll cost you.

The ACTUAL Governor: Need I remind you that you still owe me literal thousands, Mister Stewart?

Allie Novak: It's starting to get interesting in here now! What did ya do, Kaa?

Boomer: Kaa?

Allie Novak: I'm a comedic genius sometimes. 

Bridget Westfall: Isn't that the snake from the Jungle Book?

Franky: Aye.

The Jake: How do you even know something like that?

Franky: I have a little sister.

The Jake: And you, Westfall? What's your excuse?

Bridget Westfall: …

Bridget Westfall: I just happen to enjoy Disney.

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “THE TEAL NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY”]**

 

Linda Miles: But what happened? 

Sonia Stevens: Well, there's certainly an attractive quality to animated films.

Top Dog: Nothing beats live action.

Boomer: Good-looking blokes beat animated six-packs.

The Governor: CerTainly you musT agree, WesTfall. It's no secreT thaT you have an empTy InsTagram accounT used solely to follow Gillian Anderson.

Bridget Westfall: I'm not even going to try to deny that. Why do you care so much anyway?

Will Jackson: Every human has at least a little crush on Gillian Anderson.

Allie Novak: True. 

The Jake: True. 

Boomer: Who?

The ACTUAL Governor: That's true.

The Governor: Perhaps.

Linda Miles: But WHAT HAPPENED?!


	16. All Till Mig!

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL SHARED DOCUMENT: CASTANDCREW18.DOCX]**

 

Bridget Westfall: Here’s the cast list, @Everyone.

 

**[OPENING DOCUMENT…]**

 

_ Cast for the 2018 Wentworth production of Chicago _

_ Roxie Hart - Allie Novak _

_ Velma ‘Cicero’ Kelly - ? _

_ Billy Flynn - Will Jackson _

_ Mama Morton - Liz Birdsworth _

_ Amos Hart - Jake Stewart _

_ Mary Sunshine - Sonia Stevens _

_ The Bandleader - Derek Channing _

_ Mona ‘Lipshitz’ - Franky Doyle _

_ Liz ‘Pop’ - Boomer _

_ Annie ‘Six’ - Tina Mercado _

_ June ‘Squish’ - Karen Proctor _

_ Katalin Helinski ‘Uh Uh’ - Joan Ferguson _

 

**[SAVING DOCUMENT TO SD CARD…]**

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “H BLOCK TANGO”]**

 

Franky: I told you I didn’t want to be a part of this.

Bridget Westfall: It’ll be good for you.

Franky: I’m not the singing type.

Bridget Westfall: Just give it a shot, for me?

 

**[THE GOVERNOR QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “FRANKY: EVERYTHING HERE IS GAY.”]**

 

Tina Mercado: Why did Blondie get the part of Roxie?

Kim Chang: You’re saying you wanted it?

Tina Mercado: ...Maybe.

The ACTUAL Governor: To be honest, the prison has no budget for wigs, and she’s a blonde.

Allie Novak: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Allie Novak: And here I was, thinking I got the role because I had some talent.

Tina Mercado: Your ‘audition’ was the chorus of We Are the Champions.

Allie Novak: And I fucking killed it!

Joan Ferguson: One could indeed die from listening to iT…

Boomer: But who’s the Velma chick?

Bridget Westfall: We don’t have anyone to play her yet. No-one auditioned for that part.

Franky: What about you then?

Bridget Westfall: No.

The ACTUAL Governor: Didn’t you dance when you were a child?

Bridget Westfall: ...ballet.

The Jake: Then it’s set!

Bridget Westfall: But I…

The Jake: Hey, they also convinced me to play Amos.

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR EDITED CASTANDCREW18.DOCX]**

**[MARGOT MCCARTHY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE: “BRIDGET WESTFALL: THIS WAS A BAD IDEA FROM THE START.”]**

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “THEY CAN’T DO IT ALONE”]**

 

Franky: Hey Smiles, why do you know so many Chicago references?

Top Dog: You’re a musical fan, aren’t you?

Linda Miles: No, I’m not.

The Governor: Your plaTinum subscription to the RegenT Theatre should refuTe thaT sTatemenT. 

 

**[LINDA MILES HAS LEFT “THEY CAN’T DO IT ALONE”]**

 

Bridget Westfall: First rehearsal is tomorrow at 4.

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL CREATED REMINDER “PRACTICE IN THE YARD”]**

 

Allie Novak: Great. We should book our tickets for the Tony Awards in advance.

Tina Mercado: Yeah, because they’re never going to invite us on their own.


	17. 冻住！不许走！

**[LINDA MILES ENTERED “THEY CAN’T DO IT ALONE”]**

 

Linda Miles: Put me down for 20, H1.

The ACTUAL Governor: What in the world are you talking about, Miss Miles?

Linda Miles: Nothing

 

**[LINDA MILES HAS LEFT “THEY CAN’T DO IT ALONE”]**

 

Franky: Did you get that, Boomer?

Boomer: Yup.

Bridget Westfall: I’m going to pretend I’m not reading any of this.

Top Dog: How many?

Boomer: 32.

The Governor: 50. H3.

Franky: You really think it’s gonna be H3?

The Governor: They have the inTellecTual advanTage.

Liz: But we’ve got moxy!

The Governor: ThaT won’T geT you far in a game of Monopoly.

The ACTUAL Governor: Monopoly?

The ACTUAL Governor: MONOPOLY?!

The Jake: They’re hosting a Monopoly tournament. Obviously.

Boomer: And Minnie Mouse is the referee.

The Governor: I thoughT Miss WesTfall would be the arbiTraTor.

Franky: Nuh.

Will Jackson: Why not?

The Jake: I thought the doctor always was the neutral party here.

Bridget Westfall: I’m not a...never mind.

Bridget Westfall: I’ve been banned from participating in any form of Monopoly.

The ACTUAL Governor: What? Why?

Franky: Because she can’t be trusted, that’s why!

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL HAS LEFT “THEY CAN’T DO IT ALONE”]**

 

**[LINDA MILES ENTERED “THEY CAN’T DO IT ALONE”]**

 

Linda Miles: I sensed drama, so I came. 

The ACTUAL Governor: Sometimes I really cannt believe you’re my staff.

The Jake: *can’t

The Governor: Says MisTer ‘Failed his English 101 class four Times’.

Linda Miles: No fuckin’ way.

Linda Miles: Come on.

Linda Miles: Really?

The Jake: I’m dyslexic, okay?

Top Dog: Right-o.

Liz: I still don’t understand why Miss Westfall can’t be the judge.

The Governor: Please, enlighTen us, Doyle. @BridgetWestfall

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CHAT”]**

 

**[BRIDGET WESTFALL ENTERED “GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CHAT”]**

 

Franky: Because SOMEONE randomly ended up with an extra 500 when she was the bank!

Bridget Westfall: I told you, it was hidden between two tens!

Bridget Westfall: Why did you even mention me, Ferguson?

The Governor: MusT have been a slip of the finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 冻住！不许走！ (Dòngzhù, bù xǔ zǒu!) = Freeze, don't go anywhere!


	18. Yahi Param Vaastavikta Hai!

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “FRESHER’S WEEK”]**

 

**[LINDA MILES ADDED RUBY MITCHELL, RITA CONNORS]**

 

Ruby Mitchell: What the fuck?

Allie Novak: Welcome to hell

The ACTUAL Governor: Would someone please explain to them what this is? 

Bridget Westfall: …

Bridget Westfall: I’ll do it.

_ Bridget Westfall is typing… _

Rita Connors: I’m reading back, and...you’re all fairly fucked up, hey?

The Jake: Hey! I could throw you in the slot for that!

The Governor: Are you trying to imply thaT she is noT correcT?

Ruby Mitchell: Is your T-key broken?

_ Bridget Westfall is typing… _

Allie Novak: It’s this thing she does. You get used to it.

Rita Connors: Wait, so who’s the real gov’na?

The ACTUAL Governor: I am.

The Governor: I am.

Will Jackson: She is.

The Jake: They are.

Rita Connors: ...this is not helping. 

_ Bridget Westfall is typing… _

The ACTUAL Governor: Bridget? Are you okay?

Franky: Don’t worry. She types with the efficiency of a senior citizen.

~~ Franky: Makes sexting fuckin’ impossible. ~~

 

**[SERVER MESSAGE: MESSAGE DELETED BY @VINEGAR]**

 

_ Bridget Westfall is typing… _

Liz: She’s been stuck on ‘typing’ for four minutes now

The ACTUAL GOVERNOR: Does anyone know where she is?

Boomer: Maybe she needed to piss? It happens, hey?

Liz: Boomer, that’s not very appropriate.

Boomer: What? It’s natural!

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “WITHOUT A TRACE”]**

 

**[THE JAKE SHARED MEDIA: whoareyou.mp3]**

 

Allie Novak: Wrong show!

The Jake: You know what I meant.

 

**[MARGOT MCCARTNEY QUOTED PINNED MESSAGE “WILL JACKSON: PARLIAMENT IS MORE SANE THAN THIS PLACE.”]**

 

Bridget Westfall 2: You are all unbelievable.

The ACTUAL Governor: Where were you?

Bridget Westfall 2: My phone crashed, alright?

Franky: I’ve told you about a million times to replace that thing.

The Governor: This place is slowly falling aparT.

The Governor: ThaT would have never happened if I was still in charge.

Linda Miles: True. It would’ve burned down a long time ago.


	19. Vamos Esculachar!

**[ALLIE NOVAK ADDED MARIE WINTER]**

**[MARIE WINTER ADDED ZARA DRAGOVIC]**

**[ZARA DRAGOVIC CHANGED NAME TO ‘DRAGO’]**

 

Drago: What is this?

Rita Connors: It’s for people who can communicate using sentences longer than two words, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Drago: Da Bog da gledao svoja pluca u tegli sa formalinom.

Allie Novak: Imma Google that.

The ACTUAL Governor: You don’t have access to the general web.

Allie Novak: Oh.

Linda Miles: Imma Google that.

Linda Miles: It means “may god give you your own lung in a jar to watch”.

Bridget Westfall: Well then.

The Jake: Every time I think this chat can’t become more of a mess…

The Governor: You’re jusT as responsible.

Marie Winters: I've just read the chat log. Who ever agreed that this was a good idea?

Ruby Mitchell: This place is a fucking joke.

Drago: You know, you are like a slinky.

Ruby Mitchell: What?

Drago: Fun to push down the stairs. 

The ACTUAL Governor: There will be no pushing other people down any stairs! 

Top Dog: What about off the roof?

Boomer: Can we do that? Cuz I'd like to do that

 

**[BOOMER HAS LEFT “WITHOUT A TRACE”]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: No!

The ACTUAL Governor: No pushing people!

The Jake: Says the one who loves pushing people around. 

The Jake: Hah! See what I did there?

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR HAS LEFT “WITHOUT A TRACE”]**

 

The Governor: We saw.

The Governor: You are a patheTic excuse for a man.

Bridget Westfall: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Joan’s not wrong.

Will Jackson: That was low, man.

The Jake: Ah, come on Will! 

The Jake: Bros before ho’s!

Will Jackson: Friends before bell-ends.

Allie Novak: Oh. My. God.

Juice: [emoji crying tears]

Tina Mercado: Wait, now you can't type either?

Juice: [emoji shrug]

Nurse Extraordinaire: Would you like some ice for that burn, Mister Stewart?

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “THE ROAST OF JACOB EMMANUEL STEWART”]**

 

Allie Novak: Emmanuel?

Linda Miles: Eeyup.

The Jake: How did you even figure that out?!

The Governor: Even I didn’T know thaT. Well done, Miss Miles.

Marie Winters: I don't want to alarm anyone.

Marie Winters: But I think Boomer is gathering the new arrivals on the roof.

 

**[TOP DOG HAS LEFT “THE ROAST OF JACOB EMMANUEL STEWART”]**

**[WILL JACKSON HAS LEFT “THE ROAST OF JACOB EMMANUEL STEWART”]**

 

Linda Miles: I'm sure they can handle that without me.

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR ENTERED “THE ROAST OF JACOB EMMANUEL STEWART”]**

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR (@VINEGAR) HAS REMOVED LINDA MILES]**

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR HAS LEFT “THE ROAST OF JACOB EMMANUEL STEWART”]**

 

Liz: Tea, anyone?


	20. Activating Self-Destruct Sequence

**[LINDA MILES ENTERED “THE ROAST OF JACOB EMMANUEL STEWART”]**

**[DEREK CHANNING ENTERED “THE ROAST OF JACOB EMMANUEL STEWART”]**

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “EVERYONE BEHAVE”]**

 

Derek Channing: It is time to evaluate the efficiency and efficacy of this project.

Derek Channing: So the logs of this chat room will be sent to Justice & Regulation of the Victoria State Government. 

 

**[THE ACTUAL GOVERNOR ENTERED “EVERYONE BEHAVE”]**

 

Linda Miles: You're joking.

 

**[WILL JACKSON ENTERED “EVERYONE BEHAVE”]**

**[TOP DOG ENTERED “EVERYONE BEHAVE”]**

 

Derek Channing: Why would I?

Juice: [emoji rolling on the floor laughing]

The Governor: Derek, have you read the log yourself? 

Derek Channing: Should I?

Bridget Westfall: Perhaps.

The ACTUAL Governor: Please don't. Read it. Send it.

Allie Novak: Please do. Read it. Send it.

Derek Channing: Please hold.

Franky: What are you, a helpdesk? Please hold?

The Governor: He is abouT as useful as one.

Derek Channing: ...I see

Derek Channing: Well, you have brought this onto yourselves. 

 

**[AUTOMATED BROADCAST ACTIVATED. BROADCAST INITIALISING. PREPARING UPLOAD FILE. T MINUS THREE MINUTES.]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: Oh my God.

Allie Novak: The madman actually did it!

The ACTUAL Governor: I'm going to lose my job over a mobile chat.

Derek Channing: All by your own doing.

 

**[T MINUS TWO MINUTES]**

 

The Governor: You are misTaken, Derek.

Derek Channing: What?

Derek Channing: What are you blabbering on about, Freak?

The Governor: The log clearly sTates thaT you were the one to add me, an inmaTe, to the users, and you were the one who promoTed me to moderaTor.

The Jake: Holy shit.

 

**[T MINUS ONE MINUTE]**

 

The Governor: In facT, Miss BenneTT and Miss WesTfall have worked around the clock to repair and conTrol YOUR misTake.

The Governor: So tell us, MisTer Channing.

 

**[T MINUS THIRTY SECONDS]**

 

The Governor: Are you willing to risk iT?

 

**[T MINUS FIFTEEN SECONDS]**

 

Derek Channing: Fuck you.

 

**[BROADCAST CANCELLED]**

 

Bridget Westfall: Thank God.

 

**[SELF-DESTRUCTION PROTOCOL ENABLED]**

 

The ACTUAL Governor: What?!

Derek Channing: We can't risk this ever leaking! 

Linda Miles: Oh bloody hell.

 

**[LINDA MILES RENAMED CHAT “APOCALYPSE NOW”]**

 

**[LOG WILL BE DESTROYED IN ONE MINUTE]**

 

Allie Novak: I feel sad.

Boomer: Do we organise a funeral for the chat?

The ACTUAL Governor: No.

Boomer: Aw.

Allie Novak: Can we get Snapchat then instead?

The ACTUAL Governor: NO!

Franky: Aw. 

Franky: I was looking forward to some hot pics.

Bridget Westfall: In your dreams.

Franky: You know it!

Marie Winter: Well, this has been short and certainly not sweet.

Drago: Збогом.

Rita Connors: Shut up, you Serbian degenerate.

 

**[LOG WILL BE PERMANENTLY DELETED IN TWENTY SECONDS]**

 

Will Jackson: The end of an era.

Bridget Westfall: I'm just happy no one will ever get to read this.

Ruby Mitchell: See ya.

Juice: *emoji sad face*

The ACTUAL Governor: Joan?

The Governor: Yes?

The ACTUAL Governor: ...thank you.

 

**[CHAT IS BLOCKED]**

**[DELETING LOG…]**

**[DELETING LOG…]**

**[LOG DELETED]**

**[REMOVING ALL USERS]**

**[SERVER REMOVED DEREK CHANNING, VERA BENNETT, LINDA MILES, WILL JACKSON, JAKE STEWART, MARGOT MCCARTNEY, BRIDGET WESTFALL, JAKE STEWART, JOAN FERGUSON, LEE RADCLIFFE, ALLIE NOVAK, SUE JENKINS, ELIZABETH BIRDSWORTH, SONIA STEVENS, KIM CHANG, TINA MERCADO, FRANCESCA DOYLE, LUCY GAMBARO, KAREN PROCTOR, MEG JACKSON, RITA CONNORS, RUBY MITCHELL, MARIE WINTER, ZARA DRAGOVIC, READER]**

**[UNKNOWN 1 ENTERED UNNAMED CHAT]**

 

Unknown 1: Finally! You all have a terribly strong firewall!

Unknown 1: Hello?

Unknown 1: Oh, just my fucking luck.

 

**[UNKNOWN HAS LEFT UNNAMED CHAT]**

**[PREVIOUS USERNAME DETECTED]**

**[SERVER HAS RENAMED UNKNOWN 1: “BEA SMITH”]**

**[SERVER SHUTTING DOWN…]**

**[IT IS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And...that's a wrap!

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it this far: thanks for reading! This isn't meant to be taken too seriously. If you're interested in seeing this continued, please let me know! This is definitely very different from what I normally write, and hence I feel a bit out of my comfort zone. ;)


End file.
